The 45th president of the United States recently created a new homeland security department called VOICE (Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement Office). VOICE launched a hotline last week specifically for Americans to report crimes “committed by criminal aliens”. On learning that many concerned citizens have been calling the VOICE hotline to report aliens of the flying saucer variety, I also called the hotline this morning to report a potential alien invasion. It took three calls and a surprisingly long hold time for me to get through and then the operator rudely hung up on me in the midst of my story of our cat chasing a tiny alien around the apartment.
Oh well. Having been frustrated in my attempt to report an alien attack I realized that—hey!—I live in a neighborhood full of immigrants and refugees, perhaps I should make my own field report of immigration crime. I think people should understand just what we are dealing with here up in the Rogers Park neighborhood of Chicago (where I’ve lived for 16 years). I spent a long, terrifying morning documenting these crimes, but there’s nothing I won’t risk when the safely of my country is at stake.
- As several immigrants live in my actual apartment building, I don’t even have to leave home without experiencing criminal acts perpetrated by aliens. For example, an Italian-American woman named Stefania lives in the garden unit of my building and often orders pizza from a cheap pizza chain. Granted, this is not a crime specifically aimed at me, but I feel offended on the behalf of Stefania’s home country: she has resorted to eating godawful pizza when she comes from the best pizza making culture in the world. Also, I used to have a Nigerian American neighbor named Nathan whose booming voice would keep me awake at night. (Seriously, is there a school where Nigerians learn to make their voices so resonant?)
- And speaking of Nigerian Americans, HOB and I once attended a party at this Nigerian restaurant two blocks from our place. The people at the party were perfectly friendly but the restaurant had a landscape painting that was conspicuously hung upside down. Why????? No doubt for a nefarious reason we couldn’t understand.
- Next door to the Nigerian Restaurant is another dubious establishment, the Romanian Kosher Deli. Years ago I purchased hummus from the store only to realize to my horror that the hummus was made with mayonnaise. Blech! The Department of Homeland Security should start a division just for the crime of mixing mayo with hummus.
- One time I was caught in a dangerous hail storm. I was looking for shelter when an elderly Korean American neighbor pulled me next to her on a bus bench. She put one arm around me while, with the other arm, she firmly held a umbrella over our heads until the hail subsided. Sure, it seemed like she was a good Samaritan but in reality she was probably attempting to pick my pocket.
- Many of my neighbors are Mexican American, so naturally we have a piñata store. Surely it must be a crime to put perfectly good candy inside such a repulsive container. And what’s with the swastika belt buckle? I mean it’s not like the guy has done anything Nazi like, such as scapegoating and demonizing a specific group of people through creating a racist hotline or anything.
- Rohingya refugees from Burma are all over my neighborhood and I once witnessed newly-arrived tween girls wander into random neighbors’ yards to pose for pictures next to flowering trees and fancy cars. Outrageous!—who takes selfies on private property?
- The ajika (red hot sauce) sold at this Georgian bakery is so addicting that HOB and I had to fly all the way over to the Republic of Georgia to eat it in situ. I blame the treacherously good food of Georgian Americans for making me spend all my savings on travel.
- There used to be a hair salon nearby owned by Iraqi Americans nearby called Fadil Sassoon, though when I walked over to take a picture of it the sign had been removed. The salon owners are probably in a ICE detention center on charges of copyright infringement.
- HOB and I ate a picnic on a bench in front of this sari shop and the Indian American proprietor came out and practically assaulted us, urging us to buy bangles.
- And here’s the most devastating crime in all of Rogers Park: the cuteness of the children. Everywhere we go, cute kids of all nationalities are demanding our attention and playing peek-a-boo. Just think about all the time we’ve wasted, admiring these sketchy, chubby-faced attention grabbers. The next place I live will be full of unattractive, mono-lingual children: I’ll be so much more efficient.
Fellow citizens, if you too suffer by proximity to dangerous aliens, consider volunteering for a local immigrant and refugee rights organization, and making a donation to the ACLU or the Southern Poverty Law Center. And don’t forget to call in your extraterrestrial alien sightings to the VOICE hotline: 1-855-48-VOICE.
Picnic at the Cathedral 
❤❤❤ I love this so much
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❤ You know you want to prank the hotline ❤
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Lol. I’m gonna have to. So many aliens around. Gotta report them. I mean superman is one for sure.
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Hummus made with mayo is truly a crime!
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I’m going to report it to the Alien Crimes hotline stat!
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Seriously. Send this off to one of your Chicago (failing, loser, fake news) newspapers. This deserves a wider audience. And stay alert for foreigners who try to hug you and keep you from getting pelted with hail!
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Get away from me foreign born Americans and take your delicious food and adorable children with you!
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Mayo in hummus? That does sound horrible, but I noticed that Eastern Europeans tend to smother their salads woth mayo. Envy you the Georgian store.
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The Georgian Bakery is outstanding—they have a real Georgian oven in there. Plus they sell Borjomi mineral water which I like to buy for special occasions like wine.
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Oh! Oh! Oh! We needed something like this when the UK a couple of years ago was parading a bus around urban streets calling for immigrants to voluntarily repatriot themselves. And I love it that so many people think that a word meaning ‘not from this place’ refers exclusively to extra-terrestrials: serves the twitter-happy POTUS and his not-so-lovable minions right that it has backfired on them.
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Sorry, meant to type ‘repatriate’ not the abomination above. See what effect the swing to the right is having? I can’t even spell or speak proper …
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Ha ha, don’t worry about your spelling. Mine is awful and I can’t even blame the POTUS for it.
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This is particularly bizarre in the U.S, where all of us except for the native Americans and those descended from people brought here as slaves, are immigrants. Also, there is no evidence that immigration increased crime—in fact it has been shown time and again to decrease crime.
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Love it!
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Thanks!
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Hahaha! And I love your hood!
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We’re a ten minute walk from the beach too!
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Love your post. A friend called the hot line a couple days ago. They were disinterested but didn’t hang up. The call volume must have risen since then. I need to report the little green men in my attic. They are really squirrels but maybe ICE can do what management hasn’t been able to. 🙂
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That’s funny because I do believe that tiny alien my cat was chasing could have been a moth. We can start a new trend of using ICE as a form of pest control.
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Love the post!
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Thanks so much!
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😀
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Hi there Jean! 🙂
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A great read, WofB!
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Love this!
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Cheers! Thanks for reading!!
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Any more crimes to report?
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Well I’m in Poland and the moment, but my across the street neighbor Marion, who is a Belizean American has been barbequing practically every day and the tantalizing smell of roast meat is making it difficult for me to focus on a plant centered diet.
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Imagine how terrifying it would be to have a bunch of not so cute youths armed with baseball bats smashing their way into your home late at night when you’re at your most vulnerable and threatening to kill you if you don’t hand over whatever it is that they ask for. Every other day there are stories like that in the newspapers, where I live. It’s important not to stereotype ethic groups. Equally important not to deny that things are happening or make light of a serious situation. Much better to admit it and work on a solution.
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Thank you for commenting on my blog marymtf. The timing of your comment is interesting: I’m in Krakow for a few days and although the city is gorgeous, there’s a darkness to the history here that is heartbreaking. Did you know that 68,000 Jews from Krakow alone were killed by the Nazis? That horrendous genocide did not begin overnight: there was first an unrelenting campaign of hate mongering proceeding it that utilized propaganda to scapegoat those of the Jewish faith. I spent the day today with a woman who works as a guide at Auschwitz. This tour guide explained to me in detail how the hateful xenophobic rhetoric of today’s US and Polish government reminds her a great deal of 1930’s Nazi propaganda. You mention reading these crime stories in your local papers. Do you wonder why certain stories are covered sensationally while others are overlooked? Do you ever wonder those papers want you to fear certain people? Did you know that Hitler also published lists of crimes, cherry picked from groups he wanted citizens to hate?
Through Krakow we have been reading stories about those who resisted the Nazi hate machine, who risked their lives to save their Jewish neighbors. I’ll never be anywhere near close to being that brave and moral, but still, I’m going to do everything I can to prevent hateful propaganda from destroying the lives of my neighbors. And yes, if using my sense of humor helps, I’ll use it every chance I get.
I agree, let’s work on a solution: I suggest civil rights, decent healthcare, quality education and love for all people, including people of color, immigrants and refugees, women and girls, LBGT people and people with disabilities.
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https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2017/03/02/adolf-hitler-also-published-a-list-of-crimes-committed-by-groups-he-didnt-like/?utm_term=.1d0a0bd5c609
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Brilliant, loved it! And 100% agree about the mayo. In fact there should be a Homeland Security division devoted just to that.
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No one is safe in America when kosher delis mix mayo in their hummus.
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Thanks for this amusing report from Rogers Park. I’m glad to hear that all is well over there.
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You’re welcome, though it has been fairly dicey. A woman from a country on the 45th US president’s travel ban list recently moved into my building. I saw her going out on a Friday night wearing sparkly eye make up. I AM SO AFRAID. 😉
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I hope she’ll be all right. My last visit to the US was in 1989, and the country seems to have changed tremendously since then.
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Some good change at least—-we have more bike lanes these days. And as you may recall, the opera here is first rate. My sister-in-law (an immigrant, in fact, though not living in Rogers Park) gave us opera tickets to the Lyric for Christmas.
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